I was working with my daughter on her Religion work for Confirmation yesterday, and I found myself in a precarious position, questioning my Faith.
As I sat there going through the Gospel of John and reading the account of Lazarus and Jesus raising his friend from the dead, I really started to doubt the reality of my beliefs. This happens to me once or twice a year, and I find it usually stems from heightened stress at work. Nonetheless, it bothers me, really, really bothers me.
You see, this is a very busy time for my business. The other day I was stressed beyond belief. Yesterday, I began feeling sorry for myself and allowing the burden of what needs to get done over the next few weeks effect my overall mood. When I start to doubt my Catholic Faith, the combo brings me way down.
Have no fear, however, the Lord is here!
We went to Vigil Mass last night, something we never do. My wife also joined us, which she does on occasion but it is rare, so it is a treat when she comes along.
During the entrance, I realized this would be one of those Masses. One filled with chills throughout my body. One filled with tears in my eyes, and hope in my soul. One filled with questions answered through those feelings. This happens to me during Mass quite a bit, but over the last month or two, nothing. Even during Christmas Mass, it felt cold and robotic.
Yesterday as doubt crept through my mind, those mysterious emotions overcame me during Mass. I asked my Pastor about them once, and he told me how lucky I was to have those feelings:
“That is the Holy Spirit touching you and giving you Grace, embrace those feelings,” he told me.
God always does that to me, and I continue to question Him. He always delivers. Whenever I doubt my career or the direction of family decisions, He delivers a sign of some kind that confirms my path. Whenever my Faith comes into question, He reaches out and touches me during Mass like He did yesterday.
Yet, I still fall prey to doubt. Will that doubt ever go away?
I don’t know. Maybe it’s a good thing. All I know is that whenever it does come, it is always resoundingly rebuffed by the Holy Spirit. Whenever my life gets me down, the Lord reminds me how insignificant my worries are. For goodness sake, how can anything I have to worry about compare to what Jesus did for us???
Yesterday, my Faith was in question for a small amount of time. As quickly, however, it was restored just as I needed it most.